Not hiding the cracks: Karate as personal journey

Some deeply personal thoughts by Sensei Chris Edwards

The people that know me well know how much I struggle with my Mental Health. My one saving grace between my job as a Nurse and my other stresses in life is Martial Arts. Without Martial Arts, or Karate in particular, I know for a fact I wouldn't be the man I am today. Through Martial Arts I've learnt discipline and confidence, I've made some life long friends and traveled to many different places as there is always something new to learn. I have also learned that there is no way to be perfect. I can train for 100 or 100,000 days and I still wouldn't be able to do the movements perfectly. And that's ok.

Apart from Martial Arts I find walking helps me a lot with my Mental Health. As I walk with my dog I talk out loud, sometimes imagining I'm talking to the people I wish were still here that I have unfinished business with, or sometimes just getting things out of my head. The way I talk about myself and the people from my past always starts quite negatively when I first start walking. I put myself down, talk about all the things I wish I'd done differently and I feel ashamed about not taking chances and not getting the reactions and relationships I wanted with certain people.

The strange thing is, the further I walk and the more I train, the more positive I become about all these things that have happened to me over the years. I start to see them, not as weaknesses or strengths, but just as a part of who I am.

Along with the Martial Arts I have a keen interest in Asian culture and one thing that keeps coming to
mind during these times is a Japanese technique called Kintsugi. Kintsugi is an ancient philosophy and technique of repairing broken and fractured ceramics with lacquer mixed with powdered gold, silver or platinum. This transforms the cracks and the damage into a beautiful part of the object's history, adding to the charm and finding beauty in it's imperfection.

When I was born I was like a new piece of ceramic. There were no cracks to speak of and from the outside, as I hadn't had any experiences to affect me, I was undamaged. But then throughout the years as things happened little cracks started to appear. Some were bigger than others. Some completely shattered me into tiny pieces. I spend so much time trying to hide these cracks as if it is shameful to show you have any damage. It has taken me a very long time to put myself back together when these cracks have appeared.

I generally consider myself a good person. I'm always willing to help, always worrying about other people, always willing to learn and teach other people when I can. I, like everyone, have bad sides too. I can have a temper, be moody at times, let my discipline slip, be too hard on myself. All of these things, good and bad, are made up from these experiences from my past both good and bad. So to the people who have been a part of these experiences I would like to say thank-you. I wouldn't be the person I am today without these experiences, these cracks.

So instead of hiding these cracks away I need to follow the philosophy of Karate and Kintsugi. I'm never going to be perfect. I have cracks that I need to put on show for the whole world to see because they have become a part of who I am. They are me. I'm not meant to be perfect. I'm just meant to be me. And who I am is beautiful and amazing even with all the cracks on show.

Sensei Chris teaches at Yamabushi Karate Club in Wales and is one of our most senior Missing Link Martial Arts instructors.